Published in: 2012
Finding a partner to pass on our genes is often regarded as a biological necessity. It is not based on the idea that man should be picky or try to find “the right one”. This objective has emerged in today’s modern world where choices are endless. Too much pickiness can create problems, nobody is perfect. However, the authors means that there are help to get in the new science of adult attachment when it comes to find – and keep – love. This book addresses three types of relationship types; Secure, Anxious and Avoidant. In short, humans are quite rigid in their personality.
”Relationships should not be left to chance. Relationships are one of the most rewarding of human experiences, above and beyond other gifts that life has to offer”.
ATTACHED. Studies have shown that once “attached”, two people create a psychological unit. You begin to have the same blood pressure, heart rate and breathe in the same way. You know what the other person should say before he or she has said it. The Attached phenomenon is a survival mechanism – if one person in a couple became upset or are scared, the other would be in sync to help. Studies have shown that the brain reacts in the same way when a relationship ends as when we break a bone. The psychological unit has disintegrated.
SECURE. A person of the type called “Secure” feels safe with intimacy. Usually he or she are warm, loving, stable and secure in themselves. About 50% of all people in this category are characterized by the fact that they: (1) resolve conflicts fairly quickly and cleanly, (2) do not play games, (3) are comfortable with proximity, but do not demand it, (4) forgive easily and (5) treats its partner like royalty.
ANXIOUS. A person of the “anxious” type is dependent on intimacy and a very large focus is placed on the relationship. They are constantly worried that their partner will no longer love them or be unfaithful. About 20% of all people fall into this category. They often play games to try to keep their partner’s interest up.
AVOIDANT. A person of the “aviodant” type is afraid of getting too close to someone and sees intimacy as a loss of independence. They try to keep people at a reasonable distance but occasionally let their partner get close. About 25% are of this category and as a group they are usually less happy in long-term conditions. Studies have shown that a strong belief in independence is closely linked to a low convenience for intimacy, which means that they: (1) send out mixed signals, (2) desperately look for “the right one”, (3) think that their partner demands too much intimacy or are too sensitive and (4) is the personality type most often unfaithful.
MATCHING. A person who is secure can usually be with anyone, but has the most stable relationship with someone who is also secure. Anxious and Avoidant do not fit very well together but are often drawn to each other. The one who is anxious may find the avoidant a bit exciting. The one who is avoidant can quickly have needs met by someone who is extra “on” to then withdraw. The result is a game where they pull each other in different directions and when the flame goes out, the chance is small to hold together.
A RIGGED GAME. People of the type anxious and avoidant may try to find people who are secure. But despite the fact that 50% of all people are secure, most are already in long-term relationships, which means that the majority of participants in the dating market are anxious or avoidant. Unfortunately, they are attracted to each other in the short term. Both types think that the other is more exciting. Also, they usually think that those who are secure are a little too unexciting.
BE STRAIGHT FORWARD. If you want to find a long-term stable relationship and have children within three years, it may be wise to say so from the beginning. Although this may scare away a bunch of speculators, you do not have to sacrifice a few years in a relationship that could have been avoided. You should go out early with what you want and what you do not want.
HEALTH EFFECTS. Studies have shown that people in good and safe conditions have better blood and heart values – and vice versa. Just as two perfect legs and a bad leg are not enough to support a table, it does not matter how much you exercise and eat a good diet if you have something that weighs on you mentally.
“So choose wisely when you are getting involved with someone, because the stakes are high: Your happiness depends on it!”